`Fate cHanges EveRytHiNg~*

2009-09-06T05:06:00.000+08:00

It all matters when you come to a certain stand still.. Should i say finally i'm going to put it down? Or shall i be the idiotic fool? Curiosity betrayed.. i know it felt cheap and i'm just dirtified. Will i ever live with it, or will i not look forward again? Shall i wisen up? it's just this mindset that is at last tarnished and i'm fighting for the believe.

I know now it's like nothing. Is all of it so worth it? You just feel your heart shredded and then stitched up and then squeezed.. Forget it, it's all i really want. I don't wish to linger on with the tainted memories. i learned from the fence that it will be repeatable and i don't want to get caught by it. What happens to mi seems to happen on the rest.. I really see the importance i have been. Always there and there, but never there.

I see what i see and i know.. it's too bad. For me.. i can never make do with it. It cuts down deep and for all i know.. i'm reminded by my mistakes. This is my weakness, it's acting up.. Hurting me softly, hurting me slowly.. Long and long it has been. And at last i set myself free. Forsake the happinees, the memories and the one.

i've given up on myself..

2009-08-31T01:18:00.002+08:00

Seems to be futile.. Is it understood or is it something else? keeping on to that tiny little faith.. tell mi where do i start? Do i look like some commodity or am i a jewel? Don't push me away. Don't leave me alone. Don't use me. Don't go!

2009-08-29T00:10:00.002+08:00

How do I get close, a moment of her time just seems impossible to me.. It’s hard to find the words. Cause, I can’t keep on feeling the way I do.. I can’t keep on, hiding my heart from you. I got to say something before, someone else comes through.. I can’t keep on loving you, from a distance. She’s always on my mind, there’s no room left for thinking.. I’m tired of waiting, slowly fading.. It needs to happen now. Cause i’m running out of time, and I feel this ship is sinking. The doors are closing and I am frozen.. I need her around. I can't hide it.. But, that's not going to happen. I know it's hard to get back the things in the past.. Regrets.

Lifelong mistake that i've ever made.. Childish and foolish. What i did, was stupid.. But it's all for you. Not mi, not us.. I don't get it. Are you happy?

2009-08-24T01:15:00.003+08:00

It all comes to a stand still now.. Everything's done and now is time. The days of endless pursing of contentment, happiness, surprise and waiting for someone.. Stripped of dignity, pride, selflessness, commitment, priority and giving.. I lay myself out. Did the best i can ever possibly do.. As i always tried. Ignoring all the nags from all round.. It all matters for a second. And then, i know.. Struck by the ever heavy weight of inferiority, judgement, jealousy, bitterness and longing. i hide it.. The posture, actions, conversations and comparity. I see it..

My mind hit by many rebounds.. Speeding through the island, to get as much happy-saving tokens. And i admit, a few sticks and half bottle to accompany me was just enough.. for one night.

It's not my stage now, no more fairy tale princess, tiaras, glass slippers and her face. It's what the best awaits.. Letting go.

2009-08-02T03:53:00.000+08:00

It gets me thinking.. For feelings with attachment, it dwells within. I guess i ought to change my mind.. Somehow you think that it's right, but in fact it's wrong. I cant really tell which side but now maybe i'll make it up. I don't wish to regret if it begets me in future. I know it's my vulnerability.. For the things in the past and for those to come, i don't know what i'll be in for. Helping others but i can't help myself.. I'll throw this hope; this little wish. Cause i know i can't pick up and go back again.. Things that are lost are not meant to be found. And there's only future, no hope behind.. So i really wish upon the shooting star on my birthday. If only it came through..

2009-08-01T04:07:00.001+08:00

CUI.. All i can say. It's all in the mind actually.. Glad that it's over and thankful that i didn't fall out. Now full of bruises, rash and cuts. It was fun though, although i just cant wait to get home. On the night of stars, i chance upon a shooting star.. Great is the moon, duty was just reflection. Getting lost and wandering in the abyss of twinkers.. All thoughts come to you. Well, a letter of tears just said it all.. The 21st was unexpected. Rained like hypos and elephants and slept in the freezing mud.. A group of guards surrounded mi at midnight, caught me when i was sleeping. It was memorable, with my buddies, my rifle and me.

I'll appreciate everything that i have and love.. Not that i didn't but i straightened up. All i want to say is, i still do..

RECOVER.

2009-07-25T15:27:00.002+08:00

Thinking about some stuffs and i chanced upon a thought about forgetting. There are things we want to forget and things we want to keep.. Is there time or will i remember? What happens if one day i forget everything? Will i still remember?

Here's what i hope i will remember:
5 years of friendship
Playing for her wedding song
070509
No bday
The lie
Her

If i could, i will want to forget everything else.. Dreadful week ahead. Mudcake on monday..

2009-07-24T02:33:00.002+08:00

Hope.. Is all i can have. Realised it's actually a one way trip.. It must have hurt somehow but still, just go on. I know things doesn't change because you want it to.. All the more, it's been a repetition. Seeing what i see, hearing what i heard.. It's all there. For all their concerns, i know what i'm doing.. I feel happy this way. Can't i be like this? All i ever wanted was the happiness i see.. no one will understand. It's hard.. hard.

2009-07-22T01:30:00.002+08:00

Somethings are hard to express.. All i know is smiling when you know you're not happy. It's hard but that's all you can do. Rather suffer alone then to make the other hurt.. So, i just want to laugh it off. Make myself feel better. Can i ever put it down and give my blessings? It's not about mi or us.. It's about her. It's good to know she's happy..

2009-07-19T03:46:00.002+08:00

Am i dumb? laugh it off.. i still don't know what i'm gonna do. Should i take the transit and just bail out of here? Or should i carry on.. It matters so much and i don't think anyone will understand. It's for the wonderful memories, not what to expect.. Trying hard without feeling attached. It's hard to get back what you lost, when you realised it.. You imagine it. Everything reminds you of something dear.. The recollections like snaps flashing through, reminsince it, endowell it but it's never coming back. Living in the dreams of something you can only yearn for, the feeling so long, so tragic.. Like a poison you desire. At times you don't want to forget, it lingers..

i'm stuck in the past. Unwind..

Its been rough.. living in blurs. No 21 for me.. i passed my age.

2009-07-12T03:50:00.002+08:00

Because i'm so foolish, i know only you..
You who are looking at someone else,
You probably don't know my heart.
There is no me in your day,
Probably not even in your memories..
But i'm looking at only you as my tears continue to fall.
I'm happy with looking at your back figure,
Though you still don't know my heart..
Though at the end, you'll just brush past me.

The days that i miss you so much..
The days when it's too hard to bear.
The words i love you lingers on my lips.
Once again, alone, crying for you..
Once again, alone, missing for you..
Baby, i love you.
I'm waiting for you..

There is no me in your day,
Probably not even in your memories.
But i'm looking at only you,
Making memories by myself..

Bye bye, never say goodbye..
Though i can't hold onto you.
I need you, i can't say anything else..
I want you, i'll wish and wish again.
The days when you fill up my thoughts..
The days when my heart grows cold and i'm sad.
The words i miss you lingers on my lips.
Once again, alone, crying for you..
Once again, alone, missing for you..
Baby, i love you.
I'm waiting for you..

2009-07-11T03:26:00.003+08:00

The flock of birds making merry, the lonely moon, the dangling fan.. I look out of the square and let my mind wonder. Days seems to be the same, nights seems to be sane.. One thought to keep me awake, one memory to keep it all going, one person to repeat it again. I wonder, isit time yet? Or should i just let it be.. Am i right to do something that worthy, or should i not. It seems like i should but there's hesitation in me.. I'm not going to think the way i am anymore. I know i want it so much but at the same time i cannot bring myself to it. I did what i should and can and it's not about me.. So, let the feelings flow through the efidgey and let fate do the rest. It's predestinated.. My hopes on my wish. I don't get it.. only you.

2009-07-05T15:46:00.002+08:00

Pictures of you on my mirror.. Staring. Thinking. Spacing. Sometimes just taking a few seconds to unwind.. Cry. Was it right to place it there? Reverse. Time. Memory. It wasn't what i was expecting.. Just a reminder. You came into my life..

2009-06-30T16:10:00.002+08:00

Long hair, puppy eyes. Shorts..
Having this weird feeling.. Cant really imagine it or want to. I'll wait and see..

I guess.. i got too much time to think. She was right.. But i guess it only takes 2 weeks instead of 2 years for mi to become someone different. i gotten my priorities right and i know what's my focus and future plans. I'll put what's left at the back of my head.. i've seen enough and i don't wish to go down memory lane again. It's futile isn't it.. With this new divide, things wont be the same. Time and time i asked myself if it's what i wanted.. Now i know, to appreciate and never take for granted. I promise i'll be a better person..

2009-06-14T23:59:00.002+08:00

Just a gentle whisper
Told me that you'd gone
Leaving only memories;
Where did we go wrong..
I couldn't find the words then.
So let me Say them now,
I'm still in love with you.

Tell me that you love me,
Tell me that you care,
Tell me that you need me,
And I'll be there..
I'll be there waiting..
I will always love you,
I will always stay true..
No one else will love you like I do.

Come to me now..
I will never leave you,
I will stay here with you.
Through the good and bad I will stand true,
I'm in love with you..

All i want to say after so long, with everything that happened.. Is this poem. Take care and stay happy alright..

2009-06-08T00:58:00.002+08:00

It seems like there's so much to understand.. A sip of coffee, a view by the window and small little thoughts. I just want to know who i am, i don't want the world to see me.. Cause they don't know who i am. I found meaning through the silence and unspoken.. I just want you to know who i am.

2009-06-04T20:02:00.002+08:00

Some stuffs keeps getting to your head.. i don't really know what to do now. I knew from making the choice, that i cant go back to it. I'm guilty of it.. i really wish that it wouldnt end up like this. But there's no other way, im compelled. i still love her, but i wont show it to her because she has another one. i hope to pretend that i dont like her anymore.. it's hard. All this time, i've been wanting her to feel happy.. Hope it goes well this way. I don't care being a bad guy, but for her happiness. i will.. She doesn't know or must not know it. Cause i really sacrificed my happiness for it. Maybe she doesn't really believe mi anymore. But as long as i know, i will still wait for her. There's a distance between us now, and it just feels sad to know.

2009-06-02T01:35:00.002+08:00

I guess it's hard to think that who matters most.. All i need was support, and i always wanted support. Seems to be that i know whos' true.. i really am confused right now. For that choice i made.. I know it wasn't for me, but i cannot let myself feel so sad. It will be so worth it if she doesn't know and stays happy for what she have rigth now.. i dont want things to end up like this. But, it's tough when u have to make a choice that didn't only consist of yourself. I wish her happiness..

2009-05-28T23:49:00.002+08:00

Great.. I'm done right now. Being numb or dumb will more or less aid the plan.. I know what i've done. If she knows, she will understand why.. i hope? But, that will be too late. You think you understand mi? haha.. what if i'm just feeding you with something you thought it's true.. Never thought of it? haha. Beats mi too.. i did too much, but maybe this was the most painful one. Well, best you not know.. Things have been great for you from what i know. i can only say, it's worth it (=

2009-05-28T02:20:00.002+08:00

Well.. there's just less than 3 weeks for me. Can see that things are progressing the way it is as i thought out.. Somethings, it is better to be not let known or kept this way.. Trying to keep it the way it is. It will be the greatest decision that i've made.. Call mi foolish, call mi silly. It doesn't matter anymore.. As long as she will be happiler. I dont care all the hate or the lies on me.. It will be for this greater cause. I guess i don't deserve so much.. Even if being a bad guy for a day or maybe for a very very long time will be worth it. I'm totally not the one. Someone else will take my place.. Concealing, inside.

2009-05-22T01:43:00.002+08:00

Well, now i have a habit to think of things properly when i jog.. And somehow, it helps. Hmmm, another one has come into the picture.. I expect more to come? guess i'm trying to close an eye.. Let her be the way she is, and do what she wants. But, i don't really know should i give in my all for her? Like right now, im doing my best.. And will i be able to sustain that long? Waiting.. I really love her and if that's the way things are, then i'll be comtemplated with it. Haix.. Just want her to be happy.

2009-04-23T02:16:00.000+08:00

All these while, i wasn't good enough for her..

2009-04-22T02:23:00.002+08:00

Sitting by the bed. Quiet and peaceful.. The colour of darkness, rotation of the fan and her deep breathing. Thoughts just flows through my mind.. It's just a moment that all my troubles went away.. Her sweet and tired expression makes me feel relax, she's safe and trouble won't find her. Taking time to ponder, it's the only place i can feel secure, happy.. Lots have happened, just sorting my feelings out. I will be fine..

2009-04-21T00:27:00.002+08:00

The long walk home. Everything seems to be in a mess.. You dont know what hit you. The feeling is like a truckload banging you. So many things in my mind.. There's no one i can talk to. Or in actual fact, there's no one who cares? I've been keeping stuffs in my head. This, that and everything.. And with the recent events, i'm somehow drowned. Not mentioning but just reminding myself about it. It anchors heavily.. I can only depend on myself, i'm always alone with problems. It's not like how u think.. It's not what i wanted. I'm all like this because of that.. You will never know, or best not know. Maybe when the time is right, but time seems to be agaisnt mi.. I hate the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years. Time doesnt stops, it spoils your day, your plan and the finger is on you. It made mi wasted..

I'm just so imperfect, every bit of me is wrong somehow.. Never really did something that perfect to the eyes of the behlder. i want to grow up.. Seeing my state, i yearn for wisdom. To the point that feelings will just pass and you will be immune to the flesh. That's right, i'm enslaved. I thought i'm able to handle, but i'm broken.. All i want is happiness for the other person, but am i cursed that she has to suffer. It's not fair, it's like things are not meant to be.. Am i trying too hard? Fuck it.. I cant even hold dear to something more important than myself, how can i still be living?

i'm sorry, i am your misery..

2009-04-15T01:44:00.003+08:00

It's hard to fathom the uncontentment.. Or purely just unfairness. It's just tough living on it and knowing that at the end of the day you will be disappointed. Miserable. Decrepated. And thinking about it all night long.. You know how haunting it is? Well, now it is the stage where you know you're suffering and hurting but u just accept it and still treat it as nothing. It's an on-going cycle. And i'm always left alone to pick up the pieces.. You only wish for her to feel good but just neglecting how you feel. Don't you agree that it's worth it? I do! And i changed through this.. Maybe i don't understand what i become too? Where are all the feelings? Does it get filtered through until there isn't any left? The thing in life is, the one you love most.. Hurts you most. Or something u want but it will never be yours.. That's how things is. The redundancy of those unfortunate.. You can only watch from a distance that the happiness you want is just before you but out of reach. A poison that brings incompetence, lowliness, estem-less, insecurity.. Understand?

But i dont feel that anymore.. I'll be happy for no matter what. I still love her..

The undying love. She wont notice it anyway..

2009-04-12T02:07:00.002+08:00

To the foolish mi:

Life took a turn for itself.. The truth is unravelled and the feelings just spurges out. Took it quite hard, never to recover..

My story is like the OC.. A drama. I can say it's the begining of season 4 and i'm just part of the support character that fades miserably or gets lesser script lines. Not meant to have an air time with the lead actress. No oscars or best supporting actor award for mi. Condolences is all i need. Am i still casting for the next season too? Truly i'm not goodlooking or have what it takes to make it to the A list. Well, i have to make do with that..

Guess, i'll never look back to the past.. Forgive mi, for i cant save myself. Who should?

2009-04-02T23:44:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i try to hide what i'm feeling inside, i just can't figure it out. Tell mi why you're so hard to forget, don't remind mi.. i'm not over it. Tell mi why i cant seem to face the truth, i'm really just so not over you. i cant get over it.. I'll never understand.

It's just her.. The way she is and what she does. She has all the attention she wants.. She got everything she can ask for. And what am i? Well, that doesnt matter.. i know what i'm in now and i'll still be who i am.. Because no matter what is to happen, it will never deter mi from loving her. It's just the same usual routine that i have to go through telling myself that i wont give up. Until i know that i really have to.. But, not now..

If only she sees..

2009-03-18T00:27:00.003+08:00

It's just so her.. Well, it really did inflict back the pain that i never wanted to feel.. I knew it from the start.. Gosh, it cuts deep into my flesh. Argh.. i dont want to read in too much. Guess, i'm done..

2009-03-14T00:50:00.001+08:00

Every time you walk away or run away you take a piece of me with you there.. Oh it seems like I’m walking right to your door. With my hearts still resting, looking for something more.. Are you ever going to see everything you mean to me? I’m trying very hard to believe.. Nothing feels right when I’m left here on my own. Left last night.. It seemed like I waited too long. Are you going to ever see everything you mean to me? I’m trying very hard to believe.. Come back to me, you smile and you make my life complete.. Every time you walk away or run away you take a piece of me with you there.

2009-03-07T01:57:00.001+08:00

I just wanna be alone tonight.. I just wanna take a little breather. Cause lately all we do is fight and every time it cuts me deeper. Without you, I live it up a little more everyday.. Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently. i'm not fine without you..

2009-02-03T01:42:00.002+08:00

Well, i'm not doing so good i guess.. What i can say is i'm stress. Lots of thinking and emotions running through my head.. you dont have confidence in mi? That's quiet hard for mi to swallow.. I know you deserve better from mi.. I just cant get it why can i suddenly make u angry? i tried my best in making things right, but somehow i'm just unlucky. Am i that stupid or life is playing with mi? I hate wasting time emo-ing and trying to speak up for myself.. i rather make u happy. But, i really need lots of time now to change my habit of making you angry.. Please please have faith with mi. i really love you and i hate treating you like this..

2009-01-18T02:45:00.002+08:00

After a long and tired day.. With troubles on my shoulders, went home to get a beat down. Just too tired to even bother, but felt regretful for refruting it. I know what i want, i do what i like and just dont bother so much about mi. it's hard to leave a long lasting good impression..

Was it something that i said? was it something that i do? Cause i gotta know what makes mi unbeautiful.

Sometimes the things you do for a person, might not know how much it means to you.

2009-01-11T23:28:00.002+08:00

Haix.. sucks man. Spoilt your day.. Argh~ the last thing i want to know is you being angry. All my fault.. I'm sorry. I didnt intend to forget, it just slip my mind.. And let mi get something straight, it's not whether anything that is important, i will remember. I do forget important things like driving test, project meetings and appointments.. And to mi, everything about u is important! It just hurts to know that i dont treat you important.. Well, i just hope u will shimmer down. i really want to see and talk to you again.. Guess i wont be sleeping well tonight.

2009-01-07T01:39:00.003+08:00

A warm bath is all i need after a long day.. Hope my hard work pays off. Well, somehow certain things arent favorable. But i'll get by it.. i must work hard. To mi, i will definitely sacrifice for something worth it. i need rest now..

2009-01-01T23:05:00.002+08:00

Guess it's time to grow up.. i've made up my mind. I'm just going to focus on my studies, projects and work till feb. It's just that i think i'm not serious enough with myself. Moreover, i must save up to go to America. I want to travel on my own and maybe be away as long as i can.. And i'm going to work hard to get my car.. Well, i can foresee that certain things wont look so good. But, whatever.. i will cope with it. You just do whatever you like, i wont have anything to add on. You must been having great fun, just so hard to see your greetings..

Well, she does'nt know does she? Hmmm..

2008-12-31T11:35:00.002+08:00

Confuse? Well, guess so.. A new year and soon, a new mi. It's a great trip down memory lane and i'm glad i can take some with mi. Even though you wont be spending NYE with mi, just hope you will enjoy yourself..

2008-12-30T00:44:00.002+08:00

Here is the thing.. i know i'll be heart broken but if i dont know means i dont know. i want to know, but only the nice words.. I'll treat it as i dont know anything for now cause i havent hear from you. i dont know what to do right now.. i must not assume.

If.. argh. Forget it.. Hope you find your happiness again. i know from the beginning, there isn't a place for mi in your heart.

2008-12-29T02:38:00.002+08:00

Somehow, i start to feel that there's not much time left.. There's so many things that i want to do and stuffs unfulfilled. I dont want to regret anything and i really want to appreciate all that i have. But i know what are my priorities. There's nothing pessimistic with how i feel, just want to live to the fullest.

Hmmm.. i must really try to change myself. With my current self, i feel insecure, sensitive and troublesome. I dont want to be this way.. If i remain like this, it's definitely not good. No matter how hard or how tough it will be, i'll be glad if i can make a difference.

Some things still running through my mind.. At some point, i'm depress. How can i get back the past feelings? How can i bridge the distance? How can i? How can i?

I want you to know that i'll be a better person..

2008-12-26T02:04:00.002+08:00

Well.. Guess i've already know what's my resolution after the past weeks. hmmm, what have i been thinking for the past days? how did i feel? Guess i cant enjoy the last day of the year with you.. Haix. it's alright.. From the way that you treat mi, i can somehow get an idea.

Maybe i was alittle too late.. hope that the new year will be a better one and a better me. So close, so far..

2008-12-22T01:49:00.002+08:00

Argh.. Dunno why do i feel bugged this few days. Some feelings are just so tiresome.. The worrying kind of feeling is just so energy consuming, the waiting feeling is just so so slow, the jealous feeling is just so irritating and the loving feeling is just undying. i love you so much! and even if i have to endure this, you are just so worth it.

2008-12-19T02:02:00.002+08:00

I feel.. somehow. You're different now.. i dont know but just sense that you cant be bothered about mi anymore like you used to. Isit true? i dont know..

Thinking through my new year's resolution.. had in mind but it might change in the days to come. Just so happy to see you again.

2008-12-18T04:17:00.002+08:00

hmmm.. what's wrong? fucking hell no idea.. Why arent you the same anymore? why arent you replying my msgs? the problem sure lies with mi and i dont even have an idea what i did wrong.. haix.. feeling damn vexed over it. came back from clubbing and i illegally drove home.. but just have to blog this. i'm so so so troubled by this!!! will i lose you? i really dont want to.. xmas is nearing and new year. If this goes on, what a nice close for the year it will be. Alone and broken..

2008-12-17T02:51:00.002+08:00

I dont know what's wrong.. but it just cant get off my mind. Why isit at the biting point right now? I know what i really want but can things just be alittle better? Xmas and New Year is coming.. So many things lined up for mi but i just dont want them. i spend the recent days doing project, going out, chilling, bar-ing and also K-ing.. Plus i'm clubbing tml. Hmmm, i just feel very awkard without you.. Things dont seemed right and it's always missing you. Well, thought of something great to spend the New Year's eve.. But, i dont think you are available. Haix.. Vex-ed.

2008-12-09T22:29:00.002+08:00

Haix.. just damn tired. Sucks being sick. Argh~ Worse thing is a made you angry again.. Wth, throat is killing mi and the cough so irritating. My mind is all about you now.. Thinking whether will you forgive mi and stop being angry and just missing you. i need sleep..

2008-12-05T00:45:00.002+08:00

Well, just dont get it.. Why i keep doing stuffs that makes you mad? Hmmm, i dont want to be remembered for all the sad memories or bad times i gave you. Just very upset when that happens.. i want to be important and someone you can rely on.. Not just some friend. Just hope you will chill down.

2008-11-22T01:03:00.002+08:00

Well, i dont feel quite great.. Just so tired. Somehow something is lacking.. It's not like the same and more of the i'm doing more kind. Will she ever get it? Maybe not.. Just feel that i'm not happy already. Cant i get it back? i wish i can but it's been so long.. i really really want to. Well, guess i'll just have to bear with it. In the end, my mind is just about her..

2008-11-04T23:50:00.003+08:00

My name is stupid and hurting you is my game.. Why are things just so rough this days? I didnt even feel that you enjoyed the time i spent with you. More like you're angry.. I dunno what went wrong and it's like practically almost everything, i will be at fault.. I dont blame you but i'm just very tired that stuffs keep coming at mi, making things worse and worse. I tried to do alot of things to cheer you up or brighten your day but it never ended great.. i'll just be in a postion to be stupid and get scolded again. Seems like i brought you alot of trouble.. disturbing you, irritating you, making you moodless, making you mad, making you sad, making you sleep so late, making you fat and troubling you. I'm just so troublesome am i? Maybe i shouldnt have gone to see you this few days.. Might save your life, energy and breathe on a scumbag like mi? Guess you wuldnt want to meet mi or talk to mi for the next few dunno how many days? i'll just emo alone. Goodness sake for crying out loud.. i'm just a loser.. Never important in your life. Brought you hurt, pain, sadness and unhappiness.. Fuck mi for wanting to be a better man when i'm not even a good friend! Can we ever go back to where we last enjoyed ourselves? i wonder?

2008-11-04T01:34:00.002+08:00

Just so shiity.. why do i feel so weak? i want myself to know that i wont let myself lose you so easily.. but, sometimes it's just quite simple for mi to see the reality. i'm just inferior.. looks, brains, money.. There's sure some guy that's better than mi out there. Just cant help but compare and i got nothing to show.. whatever it is, i just doesnt make mi feel great. im getting aliitle paranoid maybe.. im just scared of losing you. But no matter what, i dont care what's gonna befall mi. i only want to make myself a better person, a better guy and that's all i want for now.. Because i really need you to see who i really am. Not some guy with brains or looks or money.. sorry for not giving you the best this few days. on my stupid streak again..

2008-11-03T00:06:00.002+08:00

It's just sucks to make you sad, angry or no mood.. Haix, why am i always being so stupid? Say stuffs before i think, being slow and stupid. I'm sorry for treating you like this.. I dunno, but it's just some random stupidness that came out of mi. Seeing you so angry, attitude and moody.. It's like i can go bang the wall a million times until i bleed like hell or it's just the pain that i feel like jumping off the building (not that i will). And when you dont forgive mi, i just dunno what to do but just curse myself or just meditate on my stupidness. I wished that this stupidness dont always come when ur period is nearing. If not, im so screwed. But the thing is, i just want to see you more and talk to you after that. Because, i lost that amount of time needed to bring you happiness and love. So, i just wanna makeup to it. haix.. Cant get to see you tml. Guess you still have alittle resentment on what i said.. i deserve to get slap *pak*

2008-10-22T04:07:00.000+08:00

I've reflected on my way home and i came to a point that i feel i should continue to love you, or love u even greater. You know why? Because after whatever wrongs i did to you and promises that i've broken, the more i should love you as i have a responsibility in it and i want to be a part in your life. I'm serious for the relationship we are in and it's not some 'come and go' sort of thing and i'm ready to give you my commitment, to take care of you for the rest of my life and never leave you. And i finally see why i cant put u down, it's because i want to be responsible for you and put your future in mine. Just now was one of the worst times of my life because i really made you hate mi and i feel so disappointed, so full of hate for myself, so regretful to cost you this hurt and im really afraid of not seeing you again. I wasnt really thinking at that point in time to stop you. i admit it's stupid of mi but i will live with it as a guilt. Well, the scar is there and i really hope to mend it and regain your trust. However, i will not let it be something you think in the next 10 years and you start to regret. I really meant every word i said to you on the bed, about how i'm gonna treat you, love you and marry you. I speak nothing more but the truth, not some sweet talk or plainless talk. I will definetly prove to you that i'm worth it and you can really rest your heart on mi. And not because of this mistake, i will leave you or even love you less. I will wait for you no matter what outcome it may be, may it be mi or someone else in future you will be with, i will always remember this as something i did terribly wrong and i will not regret that i loved you all my life. I will endlessly continue to shower you with love and will never give up until you no longer hate mi and start to trust mi again. And i dont think of you so lowly ok, i always looked up to you and always worship you like some Goddess, so please! i respect you alot.. i really do love you for who you are and not what you look like or for that. i really really love you, no one can take your place and my heart will never change.. i will love you very deeply from nightfall to dawn to dusk. So feel my heart, you are the one that i loved most! Right now all i can think is whether i can see you again and whether i can bring you the happiness you have always been looking for. Im sorry for breaking your promise and this will be the very last time.. I'll do anything just to prove to you that i'm a better guy and you can put your heart down on mi. I've made a grave mistake but i seriously want you to forgive mi.. To see you so hurt, troubled and confused, im just very guilty. And worse of all, u hate mi. i really cant do much to apologise but to think of it, my heart still aches. I failed. Made you disappointed in mi. I believe you have second thoughts about mi right now but everything about mi remains unchanged. My love for you, my feelings, my confessions, my promises will still be there. I promise you, i will definately be a better guy!

2008-10-21T01:35:00.002+08:00

I really want to be a better man, somehow i feel i can treat u even better. Haha. It got mi thinking that for whatever u are in the past or have been through, i just want to work on your future and hopefully help u forget and take away the painful memories. The past is history alright.. I've always been saying, you are a amazing girl and you never fail to take my heart away. Well, u ain't no bad girl or some lousy person alright. In my eyes, you are a strong and independent girl. And now, i can only say that i loved you even more!

2008-10-17T01:14:00.002+08:00

Hmmm.. have been thinking on the way home just now. Since, tml will be the day u either get happy or sad, i felt that i should make it a great day for u.. At least it wont affect u that much when u become sad and i know i tried my best. Well, although i cant do much or anything, i really hope that at least u know i care and im always there when u need mi. Hearing how u been through, what u feel i just cant imagine u being more hurt. It's not like this love story of urs is going to end, so dont give up. It is the start of your story because it is where u pick urself up and start it anew. Well, i know it's harder said than done but i really don't want to see u get hurt anymore. For all the pain, sorrows and emo-ness, i dont think u deserve all that. Even if the answer isnt what u want to hear, im glad u reached ur conciousness. What happened has been the past and no matter what u need to move on. Dont worry, i wont leave u. But, i will still be loving you as always =)

2008-10-07T00:03:00.002+08:00

The way I blush when I think of you,
The way I smile when I remember your words..
The way I almost wanna pass out when someone mentions you.
The way I wanna go to bed early,
Just so I can dream of you.

The way I wanna hold your hand,
The way I do stupid stuffs to make u smile..
The way I wish I shared every class and attachment with you,
The way my heart beats faster..
And the way I feel when I imagine you with me.

I love the way I can talk to you.. And say what's on my mind. I never have to look away.. Or keep a thing inside. Tears fill my eyes when you're not around, or when you just don't care. But I know in my heart you will do what's right.. Material things will never matter.. As long as I have you. You make every day that passes so much easier to get through.. My worries disappear when you're around.No thoughts of pain or doubt.. I love you for everything that you are. Not what you promise to be.. I know you can't see why or how.. You're the most important thing to me.

2008-10-06T02:20:00.002+08:00

I dont know why i'm thinking about this right now? Just a swing of emotions. i wanna tell u just how much i love you.. i just feel like saying it, feel like expressing it, feel like giving it to you. Well, i just scared of losing you. Really very scared.. I always wanted to be by your side, wanted to be laughing away with you, wanted to spend all the happy moments with you. But, somehow, i feel my position is threatened. I might not be at the top right now or i dont even know where it is also. I find myself unknown to you. Seriously, u changed.. You've become so precautious and i really dont know how to approach you. Certain things i do in the past seemed to be provoking you right now and i just dont understand.. It's like a thought of asking where are u can be seemed like an act of restriction. It wasnt so in the past, it's just hard for mi to see u go through this. After all, i dont know what's going through your mind. I have to be careful of what i can say to the point that i cant show my concern. But, i do really hope that u will be better and no matter what or how u treat mi, i'll always be the same. I love you, that's all i can say =)

2008-10-05T01:45:00.002+08:00

What's wrong with being concern? Cant seem to know why.. it seems as though i'm a possesive freak. Am i? Why when problems other people caused bring mi in and affects mi by how they affect u? Why am i always the one who picks up the mess and moves along with it? Cant u see where i'm in right now, where my position should be? After that day, i've been sad and now this again? i cant stand it. i'll always be the one who needs to understand you.. But do u? it's almost as if i lost you already. Argh, hate what's going through in my mind. Fuck you forbes!

2008-10-02T23:01:00.002+08:00

Just want to say i'm sorry.. You get mad the whole night. Just sucks alright.. I get the picture what u want to tell mi and i admit i'm stupid enough to spend ok. i got nothing to say.. Come to think of it, i regretted buying it because it brought nothing but trouble. And why did i let some stupid bag let it get over us? How stupid can i be? i think i'll never do anything like that again. Like all the trouble and money to see u get mad only. Sorry, i learn my lesson. U dont deserve this. Sian, you sure wont reply or talk to mi tml =(

2008-09-22T00:55:00.002+08:00

Should i or shouldnt i? i want to but i dont want to.. spending the last day here before i leave. Well, hope it's not the last day or something. Really cant put away some thoughts, thoughts of you. i really want to see you one last time, tell you how much you mean to mi and hug you like i've never done before. But cant lah.. too troublesome for you. well, it's been a long week, without u and everything. Life has been meaningless and bleak, you feel in all the happiness with colours. time passes by slowly and painfully, it's not that im obsess with having your pictures everywhere, it just reminds mi of you and let mi think of you when i'm missing you. Very glad to finally talk to you and see you, just brought back the smiles to my face. Can see that you've enjoyed urself in my absence. that's comforting, u can live without mi.. well, well, if i really dont come back, just hope you live happily and find your happiness (= sorry for being so optimistic, just dont want to lose you. alright, farewell then. Love u~

2008-09-17T23:59:00.002+08:00

Just seems so coincidence that this is where i found refuge to pen down my thoughts.. Every joy, every saddness. Whatever gets into it becomes a memory.. Having bad days recently, seems so like the days to come will be the same. Everything im part of never was good.. Work sux, working night shifts like the one just now which drag until quite late, slammed my fingers by the fucking safe, lost $10 when counting cash, got scolded for being helpful. What, just work what.. have been slogging out there and it just adds more weight to my heart. Then comes school, fuck. Didnt believe i didnt get into my own class. Whatever, i had enough trouble and problems. Even my piano, exam next month, am i quitting? Haix, my grades.. wth, will never get to uni. Just so stupid. Then the grievious of all is you. It's ok, i will understand with time. Just so hard being mi.

2008-09-15T22:06:00.002+08:00

Lost in the midst of tension, can feel it from her.. What's on her mind? it just got mi thinking.. Will she listen to mi? or should i silently watch and pretend? With her so tense, i dunno what i should do.. Does it make her angry or does it show my concern? Why am i trying so hard when she's still at hurt. She got no mood, even for mi. Am i part of it also? All i got to do now is sacrifice, in a way that i will get her back her happiness. Sick of all the troubles, hope she's fine.

2008-09-14T22:58:00.002+08:00

Feels like sometimes it's hard to leave, hard to stay.. Thought about it, isit better? There's always a time for things and sometimes there is but should not.. Well, i have to be gracious enough to step back so that things will be well. Maybe mi here is a wrong place at a wrong time.. i wonder, am i doing the right thing or jeopadising myself? Have i ever left any impression or does it seems so insignificant.. Whatever it is, fate isnt right for mi.

2008-09-13T23:24:00.002+08:00

Lament.. strong use of feelings. trying to get out of the suffocation. i figured it out.. but, somethings still wrong.. which is mi. it's alright, it's only where i should placed my trust. Very scared about something.. but, not giving it up. For something so dear and forlorn, i want to keep on embracing it. I'm not gonna be a wuss anymore, being as matured as ever. Might appear to be that i want to be different.

Been planning something lately, but seems like i cant do it. it's tough but trying hard. Hope it all pays off soon enough. going to Church tml, after a long absence.

2008-09-12T00:20:00.002+08:00

Overly concern and over-rated feelings.. Gone abit off this time round. Happiness has a price to pay.. Dont have any idea what to do now. She's right, why am i always just so clingy, sure make u irritated.. never expected her to be so mad. And of all times, now. Am so disappointed with myself.. Sometimes i really care so much but maybe to her she finds it unneccessary. Sometimes i make the trouble and time to be there, but she doesnt like it. Nevermind, it's ok.. i dont want to put u in a spot or even make u feel bad. it's just a thing about mi alright.. you should know that i'm like this, just tell mi when u dont feel good. the last thing i want to know is that u feel angry..

Should i take a step back? Maybe i should display less of my intentions, for now.

2008-09-11T00:39:00.000+08:00

It just hurts to see you like this.. knowing that your happiness is at hand. Seeing you go through this, and that troubled look. it just pains my heart.. if only i can do something. Sometimes, i feel im at fault also.. Through this, i see a little sight of mi. The ever persisting guy in your life.. Now i see that it's putting u at a rough edge. I'm sorry gal. You know i have changed right? i promise to treat u better and spare more thought for you. From him, i feel that i'm a liitle selfish too. Because i always want to spend time with you. And at one point in time, i also didnt want u to go out with ur friends.. Isit considered possesive? nah, i'm not. Maybe now, i'm not feeling jealous anymore.. Because i know my place in your heart. And i wont compare myself with him. Oh gal, i love u so much! i respect you too.. Heed my advice alright, let time do the talking.. What ever decision you make, i will be behind to give you the support. And no matter what, be strong and have courage! you know i'm always here right. So make use of mi (= i already told you what u can do to mi.. haha. alright, shall go and sleep now. If not later someone will nag non-stop! haha.

2008-09-09T01:11:00.003+08:00

What's this now? Inferiority? Why am i so small now? Why isit messing mi up? I thought i was comfortable,and now i'm placed under pressure.. i'm losing my place. He came, try to take her away.. And now what, not letting her have time with mi? WTF.. who are u to do that? Why am i not matured enough? why am i not blessed with the silver spoon. And why am i not way up there? Feel so small down here.. What have i done to deserve all this? Have i not gone through enough of this? Where am i gonna pick up myself? in this struggle, i'm just hanging on a thread. Am i stupid or what? I'm such a failure lah. Well, so be so.. I'm gonna wise up and be strong. She knows my heart well.. No matter what, she lives in my heart.

2008-09-05T00:49:00.002+08:00

Never to understand.. This feeling. Jealousy. Came and take away certain things.. My most valued feelings. I'm just insecure that it will take her away from mi.. yet again, it chanced upon mi.. or should i say it's always there? Once it came, i was sad. Twice it came, i was devastated. now, it is thrice.. What should i feel? Angry? It's worse to be around it.. hear it. Even greater when u see it.. Well, i've been through all that. Right now, i came just feel it beside mi and i cant do anything about it.. how should i endure? Closing my eyes even prompted mi to pretend to hide it. Can i carry on bearing this pain? It just hurts.. I'm very scared that in the end, it will take her away. She's all that matters to mi.. I know it wont go away.. But at least let mi have some hope that it will disappear. Argh~ Jealousy is such a bitch.

2008-07-28T02:41:00.003+08:00

And I know everything about you.. I don't wanna live without you. I'm only up when you're not down.. Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground. It's like no matter what i do.. Well, you drive me crazy half the time.. The other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true. And I'm only me when I'm with you..

I'm into the 2nd decade of my life.. long road ahead. Wishing for this impossible gift, but well it wont come true. Just wanna wish myself a happy belated bday..

it's alright.. i will wait.

2008-07-09T22:41:00.002+08:00

Well well.. seems like my life revolves around a story book. So many pages and chapters of life, but it always have an ending. In most, im merely a supporting character or a faded one. So few lines, so few scenes and no role..

I want to be more mature.. So that i can help those around mi. Somethings i just cant understand.. if confession is shameful, i just dunno what to say. Suddenly this, suddenly that. people around mi are facing problems.. im glad i can give good advice. But, simply i cant give myself one..

i want to really let go what im feeling right now.. i must somehow force it out of mi. it isnt doing good and right.. This bond, this tie, this feeling, this person.

2008-06-22T00:39:00.002+08:00

The holiday is ending soon.. well, didnt get to enjoy most of it. Feeling exhausted but at least it kept mi busy.. Drinking wine to perk myself up, i feel liveless from all the happenings around. So many worries on my mind.. Just one that im particularly concerned which is you.

2008-06-18T00:01:00.002+08:00

Off today and my only day out. Having headache now.. Gosh. Irish whiskey coffee is so lethal and the liquor cake is so sinful.. Had to sent her home cause she totally cant drink. loser! i didnt know she stayed at the bungalow beside my previous house.. Taking care of someone is just so troublesome.. Luckily she didnt vomit or faint on the spot. Almost.. haha.

The thought of working tomorrow till sat is just so draining.. Oh man. my responsibilities are getting heaviler now. Well, boss thinks highly of mi.. what can i do?

Haix.. drinking tommorrow again. But gonna play bowling before that.. Been ages since i last bowled. i wanna sissha.. but, need to wait until next week.

2008-06-15T01:26:00.002+08:00

There are things that are better left unsaid,
There are things that are better off this way.
Too naive to believe what it's true..
But this time it finally said it's goodbye.

Reading every book,
Line and word..
Searching for an answer to every question.
But what was left is this empty page,
Where things doesn't seem to rhyme.
Too naive to fall in love,
Blinded with the term "us".
I was in love but maybe to the concept of love,
And being in love though I never knew what it was.

Responsibilities are tough burdens.. Being a mentor is akind to looking after children. It's been a long and dragy day. But it's just worth the little dear friends saying those little words like thank you that warms your day.

I've decided to quit piano.. i dont have the talent and interest anymore. And my mum can save money.. it's been a long road since it started, just felt that it was wasted on mi.

Anyway.. youyun looks fatter! opps..

2008-06-12T01:48:00.002+08:00

Had been reading books during my time after work.. Guess i like reading again. haha.. at least it takes mi to virtuality rather than being in the reality. Yup, im promoted. Got my new tag but still, it's no big deal.. I want to open my own restaurant and learn cocktail.. Life is like a chore.. just wanna try out certain things in my life. i feel like quiting school to go around the world..

bel's finding mi tml.. haha. want to try the mcgriddles.. then there's a meeting at night. long day, long day.. Then meeting youyun on friday. Like at long last.. maybe go drink with the guys at night.

Well, i dont know where did my hoilday went to.. but like work takes up 75%, project 10%, reading 10% and quiet time 5%. i think it's funny.. people say i changed. Did i? im not so candid and carefree anymore.. Har. beats mi..

2008-06-09T23:34:00.002+08:00

Huge clash of personalities usually led to arguments at the most appropriate of times.. Somehow there's a mature term for it called 'heavy discussions' just trying to get along and be at the best behaviour.

Finally finished my brochure and poster.. Cant taste sweet success any sweeter than this. Well, being a designer is tough i should say.. When you're stress, the printer, the laptop, your annoying clueless friend and time will bully you.

Filling my holidays with work.. Drinking at night.. Hitting the pool.. Just self indulgence for all i could say. This break is more like i want to tire myself with work and shit lot of crap. Learning to cook from my mum.. i cooked curry today and did potato salad. Sitted at the piano for very long.. Just stared and touched the keys. Well, i got my distinction.. But, no one to share the joy with.

2008-01-12T00:31:00.000+08:00

Boooo~ everyday, busy busy busy.. go school early, come home late.. project, school and shopping. galfriend.. we went to so many places and eat so many good food. i don't know where to start.. haha. quite happy to hear that u enjoyed every bit! if this goes on for the whole year, how wonderful will it be right? tommorrow's a big day for u.. hope that all goes well ya?!? self-confidence alright.. dont worry.. i'll be there to support u (=

2008-01-05T01:39:00.000+08:00

Today, had a great time with galfriend.. went for movie and shopping. haix.. rather sad that we don't have fate with the things she want. i could tell she was disappointed.. i know how she feels until i will be much more sad that she cant have it. come on.. there's new stock and maybe newer collections coming out. hope that the next ones u eye will be available.. not that fate is playing with u ok? no such thing.. Quite happy for something. galfriend finally decided on where to eat and brought mi there!!! it was her first time~ oh, feel so honoured. food was nice.. her type of tea. i hope she will decide more on the places to eat next time.. then i don't have to stress myself and feel scared that it is not up to her HIGH standard~

2008-01-04T02:05:00.000+08:00

Yeah~ new year's day was so great.. went out with galfriend! galfriend feeling very depressed so i ask her to go out and chill. its been very long since i've went out with her, 2 weeks. haha.. recieved my xmas cum new year card. like it so much! especially the picture of the girl (= tried to cheer gf up.. eventually she did, which was good. so, went shop shop.. then ate jap pasta. the couple beside us very funny.. the way she react very cute, can't stand her. haha.. after that we walked more to have desserts. sad, dont have her favourite dessert.. so, settled for something else. then sent her home.. in the bus, there's just so many cockroaches. knowing her, she freak out lah.. haha. at least she had a great time laughing..

Gf, remember our promise.. let's make more beautiful memories and forget the bad ones~ we will go through this together (=

2007-12-30T23:28:00.000+08:00

It just occurred to mi that i have this stupid idea.. totally planned out everything. leave the countdown party and go find her. for what man? haix.. just this thinking. but it really made mi want to go and surprise her.. something hit my mind.. i decided not to. all along i assume that she will be alone and that nobody likes celebrating the new year alone right? so, i'll leave at 11 and cab down to her work place and surprise her at 1159.. don't make an ASS out of U and Me. haha.. but, i feel that that guy will be there too. so, why waste my time.. well, felt bad.. i ps my friends. initially planned to go sentosa before the countdown.. but i decided to go to the church countdown. haix.. what's my new year resolution? haha. new year then say..

well, mel and bel.. i've done my best in helping. hope u two have a great time~

2007-12-29T01:30:00.000+08:00

well.. i lost it. totally, really lost it.. no more interest in playing the piano. i never touched it for 2 weeks and i cant even put my mind into it.. i guessed i left alot of things behind mi. practically spent the 2 weeks out, trying to waste myself.. whatever it is, i won't say. shall devote the next 3 days to meaningful stuffs.

im glad i helped bel out.. felt bad buying her present that she wanted to give mel. well, planned a nice new year's eve night for them.. go watch the fireworks. heard the things she wanted to do for him.. how sweet can that be? how fortunate.. there's this saying that if u spent your last minutes of the eve of new year with a special someone, you will be with that special one for the coming year.. nah, not gonna happen to mi.

between friends and best friends:
Friend: has never seen you cry
Best Friend: has always had the best shoulder to cry on
Friend: never asks for anything to eat or drink
Best friend: opens the fridge and makes herself at home
Friend: asks you to write down your number.
Best friend : they ask you for their number (cuz they can't remember it)
Friend: borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
Best friend: has a closet full of your stuff
Friend: only knows a few things about you
Best friend: could write a biography on your life
Friend: will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
Best friend: will always go with you

Are we friends or are we not?
You told me once, but I forgot..
So tell me now and tell me true,
So I can say, I am here for you.
Of all the friends I've ever met,
You're the one I won't forget..

2007-12-27T22:33:00.000+08:00

Haix.. came back from drinking last night. i feel very bad.. came home drunk, with vomit all over.. shit man. should have controlled myself.. anyway, no salt but with lemon, tequila rox~ i heard that 3 shots can knock out a person.. haha. but i went for like 9? funny thing is i can still remain sobber, just that vomit thing only.. ok so, headed to town around the early afternoon. met the gals and tyreon ( an australian dude).. went shop shop, play pool and watched movie. oh man.. got embarassed like 2 times.. have u seen a bimbo cutting a long quene? the way she do it man, everyone will hate us.. but we got great movie seats! haha. next is finding seats at food republic.. wah! should have gone to a restaurant man.. oh ya.. during the movie, she kept making noises.. like awwww the dog die.. awww so sweet.. awww awww awww. And because we sat at the middle, middle row.. she almost fall when she wanted to walk out and like practically stand there and block the view for like 1 minute.. i was like, this is so not gonna happend to mi. but its good when u are buying clothes.. haha. no need to wait.. im not a loser nor a pussy. haha. wanted to buy magnetic earrings.. but they kept asking mi to pierce! i cant man.. not that i don't want but i don't want my ear to get ripped~ and i cant succumb to peer pressure! too bad.. argh~ i must upgrade.. no more topman pls. so overrun by muds.. more people joined us and then off we go to boat quey. in the mrt, this hot girl did a britney spears.. and she smiled. oh my goodness, so sinful~ haix.. everytime drink must pay so much.. and like only vodka, blue label, cordon bleu and chivas. must well they go my house or i drink at home. but luckily the hostess know us.. she offered tila tequila! haha.. no tila. well, i think im not a good friend or a person of power.. all the gals that didnt smoke, smoked. woah.. see how peer pressure works? anyway, i checked on them today.. they are fine. luckily they didnt get addicted. more china girls there last night.. major turn off. then like quite late already.. went to zouk. in the cab, lots of funny stuffs happended.. someone cannot take it and vomitted into the topshop bag.. LOL. then the uncle joked with us.. we got out of the cab not knowing how much we paid.. haha. not i pay can already.. then at zouk. WOAH.. so many bodies lying on the floor. then we walked nearer, there's this vomit stench.. so cool. but zouk was full.. haix.. then like in the wee morning. i left while they went to MOS..

i backtrack to xmas.. was quite fun. more like a family thingy.. went for high tea, then shop then buffet and ice cream buffet.. cant remember much..

xmas eve.. party at gramps house. i forget what i did in the afternoon.. then eat, wine, liquor and liquor cake. woohoo.. wiskey cake is yummy~ even my baby cousin tried some of it.. haha.

then today went for lunch with my mum at imm then rush back and went to raffles to meet my sisters for dinner..

wah.. from now till the new year im so packed.. actually its like the whole holiday. hope the new year will bring everyone happiness~

2007-12-22T00:57:00.000+08:00

im back... back from the malaysia trip. well, kinda so-so trip.. the program didn't turn up well but the people there sure make things better. despite the constant rain and all that, it made us feel bonded in a way that we didnt go on our own way, like the rain confined us at 1 place. kinda fun when it was so boring that me and mel need to entertain one another.. i guessed we are like twins. wear shades, labeled clothings and same poses.. the most upsaddess thing is i cant buy my liqour~ argh!!!

seems like i bought all the xmas presents.. haix. the crystal ball is crossed out, too pricey.. i saw a musical box and the tune was auld lyne syne! but its also pricey.. in the end, settled for something else.

actually, im going to ecp tml.. but, last piano lesson of the year and dunno what tang yuen thingy at my gramps house. ya.. so, cant go. next week's gonna be fun! meeting the guys..

2007-12-17T02:29:00.000+08:00

maybe.. i was right in the 1st place. u seemed to be better without mi.. isit better that it turned out this way? i hate faking that nothing happended.. i hate leaving things as it is now.. i hate the uncertainty.. please forget mi. for i add miseries to ur life.. for your happiness. i go..

2007-12-15T12:47:00.000+08:00

uh-oh.. just gotten home from last night's totally wild night. im still having hangover now.. after the last paper, went to watched movie with 6 galfriends.. and the show is just about 2 words 'he died'. thx guys, there goes my 9 bucks.. saw alot of familiar faces like bouce and his equally look alike girlfriend, wenwei, weiling, rebecca and i forgot the other girl's name. i didnt know girls can eat, their meaning of share is woah.. half my plate gone? and i just got a tiny slice cause they all ate the same dish.. then went to clarke quey. Oh my oh my.. SPGs, ang mohs and belly dancers~ and i saw jamie yeo.. went to the Clinic, the wheelchair is so uncomfortable. regretted not going to Thumper, the beer flasks looks so cool like u cant possibly finish the whole thing.. haix. the shisha thingy so crowded.. then walked to boat quey. went to this pub and sing karoke.. chivas chivas, the classic liqour~ haix.. everyone seems to like get high so easily. so cool man.. i keep telling myself, im not drunk im not drunk. initially im not but after like pure 1/4 of the bottle FYI its considered little but i dunno why like that.. oh wait wait. before that, there's so much drama! socialized and chatted. i know some fishy stuffs going on.. back to it. ya, for the first time.. i was drunk. at least i can control myself and also walked to the toilet. but, but.. i cried. for the whatever question that they asked.. ewww lah. how should i say? they were all so close to mi but gave up on mi because im stupid and now we'r just closing up the gap.. then sing talk sing talk until 2. i think i remembered saying stupid stuffs.. like what type of prawns no leg? answer(lame sia).. then performed magic. haha.. wah, cant stand it man.. so many china girls standing outside. though i am drunk but they are all so yucky.. went to someone's home and drank baileys~ haix.. not my type of drink but still appreciateable. then didnt sleep, talked till morning.. then had pancakes and spaggetti for brunch. then played the piano which i don't know what keys am i pressing. now im home.. next stop, cafe del mar. should i still go out later? i want to sleep..

2007-12-14T01:43:00.000+08:00

my my.. look at the time.. i just finished my housework. feeling so home alone.. my folks and sis went for hoilday, leaving behind mi and my super-sick ridden brother. i think its time to hire a maid.. tml's gonna be a long a packed day. heard of shisha? well, im gonna try it out tml. should i or shouldn't i? it's 7x more addictive than tabacco. i think i should just stick to being a drunkard.. awww~ where should i go for xmas buffet? Meritus or Ritz-Carlton? pricey pricey.. haix. should i buy a crystal globe? its for her..

2007-12-10T23:09:00.000+08:00

2007 National Piano & Violin Competition at the Esplanade, watch me there.. the festive season is coming. Xmas songs in-checked and ready to play carols.. it's the mid week of the common test. So not used to studying alone.. gosh, shouldnt look back. well, this month's gonna be packed. Had a party last weekend, meeting youyun this friday, going out on sat, wedding dinner on sun, going to desaru next monday then xmas party and new year party. Lots more to fill the in-betweens.

a phrase i have for last week is 'for all the wrong reasons'.

2007-12-05T23:57:00.000+08:00

Seems like i hate u alot.. i want to forgive but it always happens. i don't know what's wrong and i don't get it.. u come when u have problems.. u cast me aside when u have none.. i have always been there for u. but, what am i to u? junk? substitute? i did nothing wrong and there u go.. treat mi as transparent and that fucked up attitude. well, fine! u have accomplish what u intended to. im just a..

2007-12-02T22:28:00.000+08:00

There is a time for everything:
To every thing there is a season,
a time to every purpose under the heaven
A time to be born, and a time to die
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted
A time to kill, and a time to heal
a time to break down, and a time to build up
A time to weep, and a time to laugh
a time to mourn, and a time to dance
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing
A time to get, and a time to lose
a time to keep, and a time to cast away
A time to rend, and a time to sew
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak
A time to love, and a time to hate
a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

If you put your happiness in temporary things, your happiness will be temporary. See the big picture, for your circumstance is used to someone's circumstance.

A life goes by.. romantic dreams will stop. So I bid mine goodbye and never knew.. So close. was waiting, waiting here with you.. And now forever I know. All that I wanted to hold you.. So close.. So close.. to reaching that famous happy end. Almost believing this was not pretend.. And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come.. So far we are so close.

I'm just a..

2007-12-01T01:20:00.000+08:00

You'll always be in my life..
Even if I'm not in your life.
Because you're in my memory..
You, will you remember me?

But since then I been back down to the end.. I can't believe the things you never said. I can't explain the words I never found.. My whole world should come crashing down, you know. Tell me something I don't know.. and I'll find that I'm always looking 'round behind me'. You said that it's all been said before.. Now I find that there's something I don't know. I lie in my bed, you're running through my head.. Going over and over and over the things that you said. I'm caught in the trap, I'd run like hell right back to you.. Cuz I'm sober with you and you know it beats drinking alone. Cuz you're gone, and you ain't coming back.. Yeah you're gone, and you ain't coming back.

2007-11-29T23:04:00.000+08:00

seems like I'm always on my own.. Seems like I'm never coming home. Seems like I'm always on my own.. All the stars and boulevards aren't close enough for you. Late nights, won't do me justice. Cause when I drink.. I just get so damn depressed. And its not like, I ain't trying to get over you.. It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too. And I don't want the world to see me.. Cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken.. I just want you to know who I am. Good god your coming up with reasons. Good god your dragging it out. Good god its the changing of the seasons.. I feel so raped. So follow me down and just fake it if your out of direction.. Fake it if you don't belong here. Fake it if you feel like affection.. Woah your such a fucking hypocrite.

No link between the two..

I'm torn in pieces.. I'm blind and waiting for you. My heart is reeling.. I'm blind and waiting for you. Stranger than your sympathy.. I take these things so I don't feel. I'm killing myself from the inside out.. Now my head's been filled with doubt. it's easy to forget.. yeah. You choke on the regrets.. yeah. Who the hell did I think I was.

2007-11-29T01:57:00.000+08:00

its time to turn my back against u.. fuck those telltales signs. should i call u a liar? attention seeker? or an innocent soul whom i just like to defame? hope i think too much.. otherwise, u just sux.

2007-11-27T23:28:00.000+08:00

nobody can save you but yourself.. you will be put again and again into nearly impossible situations. they will attempt again and again through suberfuge, guise and force to break u down.. nobody can save you but yourself and it will be easy enough to fall so very easily but don't, don't, don't. just watch them.. just listern to them.

Some days are filled with sadness, madness, joy and all the messy stuffs in between. sometimes it feels that everyday brings a new struggle, a new concern, a new reason to stay in bed with the shades drawn. but between this moments of despair and confusion often comes times of great clarity and insight.

save yourself (=

2007-11-25T23:10:00.000+08:00

i just don't want to feel this way.. should i believe or not to believe. why are others fortunate? why am i comparing? why am i like this? u..

2007-11-16T01:57:00.000+08:00

im fuelling my hatred i guess.. when things don't go your way. u tend to judge it.. How disappointing. but, worst of all.. it piles up. it's just the feeling of being near and u see the fuck before u. the hurt that it brought, the desire of jealousy.. im blinded.. yaaa indeed. why is he that loser? i just feel so.. what do u see in him? his just someone plain. why why why? taking part of mi away.. u say stuffs and make promises that u never remember and then u contradict.. u dislike people pissing u but do u know that u pissed others? i think u cant seem to accomodate and change.. irresponsible.

2007-11-13T23:22:00.000+08:00

how should i put it? sux isn't it.. just hate it.. all along, i can't stand it. im angry? hell ya.. not worth all the tears i cried for. its mixed.. how do i express? angry and sad.. bitter and sweet.. ah, fuck.. don't feel like saying. worst shit ever.. more than what meets the eyes. hurts so fucking damn much.. so unfair. nevermind.. i will not scoop to being so shallow.

2007-11-12T00:50:00.000+08:00

Direction for the future.. today's sermon coincides with what im going through now.. people's testimonials can be so emotional.. i witheld my tears when he poured out his feelings and cried. the feeling of giving and nothing ever blossoming is like so disappointing.. u feel like giving up, u feel like not trusting anyone, u just felt helpless. so broken and humilitified.. i know how its like. pride gets in the way. like it becomes roots that gets entwined deep into the flesh.. man always get troubled by relationship, money and career. what about yoking? what of this friendship? well, from him.. i see mi. now, i dont feel that way.. Cause i'm begining to let go. i see him suffering like this, i just felt sympathetic.. i was once like this.. well, i don't want to end up like that again..

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2

having some tied knots now.. same thing happending. Mi and my mouth.. why isit so easily broken again? and why is things coming at it all the time? nevermind.. tommorrow we shall see. i'll definately untie it..

2007-11-11T00:13:00.000+08:00

i'm waiting, waiting and waiting.. just finished composing a song and waiting for it to upload into the blog.. argh.. so slow. hope it's nice.. improvised abit from the original tune.. anyway, its not exactly that perfect. just trying out.. maybe, i will upload it again tomorrow. its not moving!

2007-11-02T00:32:00.000+08:00

let mi post the last poem about how i feel:

I lay wishing I could fall fast asleep..
but awake thinking of you my mind wants to keep.
I'm so tired that I can't think clearly..
but all I know is that I love you dearly.

I feel I got myself into such a big mess,
all because the truth I chose to confess.
Everything just got ten times harder,
from this I hope to only grow stronger..

These sorry words I said so many times,
so much that they all fit into cheesy rhymes.
I feel my shame I put on a display post,
so you all will know why I hurt the most.

You are the one I wanted for so long,
by loving you am I the one who's wrong?
My true feelings I somehow kept displayed,
to love you I was never ever ashamed..

I look out the window and can't see the stars,
then I look at my heart and can see all my scars.
For some reason my heart refuses to let go..
of a love I will never get to know.

ok.. there goes the last straw of my feelings. though, i do have more things to pen down.. but, best is to keep it to myself.. cause no matter what, nothing's gonna change. i made up my mind.. i wont be like this anymore.. its just so hard to fill in this gap.. im still waiting for her to tell mi how she feels. but, seems like she won't.. she hates mi? are we still best friends? or has it turned us into strangers? so i guess, things won't be the same anymore.. enough of waiting. so tired..

2007-10-31T23:36:00.000+08:00

There she goes.. seems inevitable. taking a step back to watch from a distance.. I didn't cry the day you moved away.. I didn't think that I could feel this pain until i saw the stranger in you. Can you see.. the girl you used to be? the one I lost when I let go of you..

2007-10-28T22:19:00.000+08:00

i realised something after so long.. humans can't depend on humans to sastify one another.. you will just end up feeling more disappointed. even if they are together, best friends, brothers and sisters. That emptiness in our hearts can only be filled by God's love.. i went there today with a troubled and sealed heart.. but, i came out free.

Everything about being true.. isit so complicating? hard to swallow? hard to comprehend? well, have you ever treated someone as your true friend? but, does that person feels the same for you? what's the connection u both had? that shared vision.. is there steadfast loyalty? and is there selfless giving? you may have lots of friends or you may not even have that much.. does it matter so much? what matters most is that they are there in times of needs.. they are honest in correction and protects you when you're attacked.. just cherish the ones you have around you and put them in a circle instead of a heart because hearts gets broken but a circle goes on forever..

i may not be a true friend after all.. im in this friendship which is so-called wrong from the start. this friendship started on a wrong foot or wrong purpose.. i don't know what i should do? i want to make it better. i wished that it will be new, the one that is right.. not this. it all boils down to mi.. how badly i wished to change it. how it fell apart so sudden.. how it hurts so much.. just want you to be happy. sorry for treating you like this..

2007-10-28T01:16:00.000+08:00

what am i gonna say? it feels like nothing's gonna change.. damn! am i thinking what i am thinking? just seems so messed up this few days. its so different at this stage.. im taking it hard, i feel.. the things that keep mounting on, i just hate it. isit true or isit not? some wrongs here and there ended things up in a sour note.. im scared when i see her. i don't know why.. just wanna see her so much. but now.. i got this second thought. there's nothing more i can really do.. i'll wait.

2007-10-23T23:38:00.000+08:00

haix.. don't know what to say about today. initially, i was very happy to talk to her.. maybe talked a little too much? but, end up i make her angry again.. i know sometimes i abit careless or maybe like to joke too much. in the end, i didnt think of how u felt.. i didnt mean it really. i just hope it won't end up like last thursday.. which eventually lasts until today. but, now the same thing happend again.. Oh man.. why i am i always like that. i deserve a slap from her.. forbes, forbes.. watch what u say man~ i know u well enough and i still like that.. haix. my feelings will always flactuate to whatever u do. can't help being that way.. haix. what to do now? wait and see what will happend tommorrow.. just hope all goes well. if im emo.. means sad case. I'M SORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY~ haix.

2007-10-22T23:27:00.000+08:00

This post will be special.. Someone requested that i post in singlish lah. haix.. troublesome lor. Nevermind.. shall do it lah. Plus, she ask mi blog about her. im gonna expose her! haha.. i not so bad de.

Meet someone today.. long time never see. how long arhx? about 1 year already.. so long rite? anyway.. this person is my 'Best sitting partner in the world' haha.. know her for like 5 years. still never change much.. abit taller nia. cause she play cheat! wear heels. if not im taller.. but, just that she abit less materialistic and more humble. eeeeee, can't believe i actually say that lah. today, finally store up all ur sacarsim and shoot mi rite? but, she's another gal that's so no self confidence and full of self conciousness. if all gals i meet all like this, i'll have a tough time lah. haix.. so sorry lah. i now cash strapped.. need to be humble and cheapo abit. say until i like super rich and proud huh? well, i now bankrupt liao.. stock market dropped shares. aiya.. u know why lah. haha. See lah.. now i broke again. eat eat eat.. though not at restaurant but still damn ex lah. wah piang.. must save again. if not next week no money to spent again. let's do it weekly then? cool man~ aiya.. i scared lata u fat then blame mi or lata that guy jealous.. whahahax. ask him hang out with mi lah.. then we go see japanese gal together. woohoo~ brother rite? hohoho. i know your secrets.. haix. make mi feel so sad. lolx. aiya.. jiayou for uni bahx. pray to God lor.. 'ask and u shall recieve' haha. study law bahx.. hehex. if u want, hang out more with mi lor. your ang moh will improve de.. still say my blog so poetic. i suddenly feel smart lah.. our intelligence almost the same level. haha! not like that jiesi.. whole day say i stupid. his family all gifted in music and maths lah.. so hao lian!

eh, jiesi! let mi play the concert grand piano when u have it ok!!!!! it will be so WOAH lah~ take care of my guitar hor.. if not u buy another one for mi and i dun wan yamaha de. hehex. Btw, my piano is they carry 14 floor up de. not use crane.. so cool lahx. unfair lah.. u don't know how to play piano still can get a concert grand lehx.. nah bei. i want i want a grand.. argh~ no money.

Sian.. next time see ashely must beat him le. talk behind my back huh? haha.. no lah. need to catch up too. must see he change anot.. youyun say he mature liao! say some chim wise stuffs. i was like woah lah.. never go choir. pangseh mi! sian lah! should go the class bbq.. Zzzz. next time must go, youyun go with mi hor.. don't busy with dunno what. i know u got time to spare de..

i hope between mi and her, the awkardness will end.. i dunno how to put it lah. so vexed.. keep mi thinking all the time.